I don’t believe in “God” in the traditional sense. I believe that each human is divine in a way. That we’re meeting god each time we interact with ourselves and each other. That prayer is in showing up to the energy that we create and converse with, often through emotions and physical experiences and human intimacy.
So my crisis has simply been this: who am i?
My faith in my own experience… My own existence… My own ability to show up and contribute to a greater universal good. I’ve had this massive sinkhole in the center of my chest where those used to live.
So today, I got back on my mat. (It – quite literally – had cobwebs on it.) And for the first 3 minutes, I just fucking stood there. I stood there with the silent plea “I am …” and a complete blank following the first two words. I sprinted to memories of relationships and interactions. But I wasn’t there. I considered a few dozen yoga postures, but I wasn’t in any of those either. Quitting and going for coffee while pondering the meaninglessness of existence seemed like a good option for a short while.
Then, in a very quiet corner of my heart, something quickened. A showing up-ness that started to pour into my entire body. And then. Suddenly. I was here. I could feel the bottoms of my feet and the insides of my ribs as clearly as I could see the tiny succulent garden at the top of my mat.
I did about eight forward folds, a child’s pose, a little movement here and there. But mostly I just took a deep sigh of relief in the fact that I am not the racing of my thoughts or the dark, creeping fears that line the path I’m walking.
I am a healer.
I am sensitive. (something i had to try on three times before it didn’t sound like an insult)
I am part of a bigger whole.
I am completely broken and entirely whole.
I’m back to yoga in the sense that I’m showing up again: Being real for a few minutes without looking for myself in other people or situations or accomplishments. Doubts about faith are an invitation to expand and evolve your core beliefs. Or they can be an invitation to quit, go get coffee, and go on blaming life on other people. Today, anyway, I’m choosing the former.